"...sa may paanan Niya, nakita ko ang tayog at ningning ng aking mga pangarap. Tama, sa may paanan Niya, doon ako magsisimula..."

Monday, June 23, 2008

Ulan, ulan, hulugan mo ako ng Alaxan.

Be careful with what you wish for.

I was talking to my officemate Ma. Elvira Sacro (Matet for short) one Friday evening while waiting for work to occupy us when I told her that I wish I’d be sick on a Sunday so I will have an excuse not to go to work. I really wanted to have a free time so I can go to the mall and watch movie, or maybe to have a full body massage at Bioessence, or maybe just to window shop around. You know, my favorite past time is to walk around the mall and watch people walk and talk and do what they do while I just stare at them thinking nothing. Weird, right? I don’t know why I can’t find time to do it during my regular rest days. I just don’t know why. And so, that same night, I felt something is wrong with my nose, I kept on sneezing, and then suddenly I realized I have a runny nose. Somehow, I managed not to pay attention to it since I’m too busy with my work.

Then the storm came in.

When I got home from work, I know I really am not feeling so well, but as what I usually do, I opened my laptop, try to catch up with what’s happening on line. I checked my mails, updated my blog and chat with some online friends. After doing my thing, I prepared my DVD to watch Kyle XY the series (damn, I’m done with One Tree Hill and Smallville and I can’t find their latest series!). Then it started to rain hard. I didn’t even know that there’s a storm during that day. All I care about was to have enough sleep so I can go to work the next day.

Brownout all over

Just so before I sleep, I notice the old shoe box I’m keeping since forever, the box as far as I can remember, was given to me by my childhood sweetheart during I guess my birthday or Christmas, I couldn’t exactly remember what occasion, but since then, I kept it and there I store all the letters, postcards, and notes given to me by some special people in my life. I keep my literary works there also and speaking of which, while harking back in to the memories of my childhood days, I saw the first love poem I ever wrote for the girl I first admire. Funny. I realized how corny a child in love could be. Now, let me show you how I wrote it:

A Promise

I wonder why it could never be me

Even though I love you but you won’t let me in

I wonder why you can never be mine

Even though I love you, I guess my love is on the line

I wish that you could love me the way that I do

And I hope that someday, it would be me and you

Forever I’ll wait and as long as I live

Until the sun don’t shine, until my last breath

I know it’s not today, not even tomorrow

But the promise of waiting would still be in my shadow

Till the last drop of my tears, till the last beat of my heart

I promise to wait for you, even though we’re apart.

Hahahaha. Lol. Can you imagine how serious I was while writing this? It’s really funny! Well, honestly, I still can remember the feeling, really. It’s like heaven. Just like heaven. Pure, sincere, honest, truthful, clean, and believe me, I wish I know how to write that way again. Being in love like a child I think, is the sincerest kind of love. I know you agree, just for once please. And then I notice I kinda lost track of time and while browsing through my things, the lights suddenly went off. I decided to just leave everything behind my drawer again and get back to it as soon as the light comes back. I prepared to catch some sleep and hoping that the brownout will soon be over.

The Influenza, bow.

Right in the middle of my sleep, it was around 2 in the afternoon, (take note that I work in a call center, so we follow the US standard time, Eastern Time to be exact.) I woke up freezing and chilling. I thought it was just because of the rainy weather but I guess I was wrong. I felt the sudden pain stroke right through my head. It was really a painful headache (tell me it's redundant!). I tried to stand up but then my body can’t move. I was literally crying in pain because I know I have to do something to heal myself so I can go to work. Well, guess what happened next? I ended up calling our attendance hotline to inform them I can’t report to work. I felt relieved. For the first time after working in the company, I used my sick leave. And so, what I wished for came true. I got sick on a Sunday. Bad thing about it, I wasn’t able to go to the mall because it’s raining, and my body felt so weak, too bad I had to stay in bed the whole day. I should really be careful with what I wish for.

Let there be light.

Yeah right, two days of darkness and I was sick all along. I can imagine how harder it is for those who doesn’t even have a shelter to comfort them. It took time for Meralco to fix the faulty wiring that exploded during the storm. I don’t want to blame them so I guess all I can do is just to be thankful and gratified that we surpassed another storm just as easy as the others that passed.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Ang Kangkong.

In about 2 hours, I’ll be leaving my laptop again and go to work to make money under the freaking roof of my boring office. I wonder how I managed to keep my life going like this forever. Honestly, all these years I’ve been thinking of leaving my job and finding another one which is suited to my educational background. Oh, forgive me. Here I go again, another outmoded crap is trying to burst out of my head, all for the same old reason, I am rigidly bored; with the job I’m burdened, with the lifestyle I’m living, with the night schedule I learned to adapt, and so bored to tears by just watching it all happen to me.

I feel unfulfilled. I feel that all the “fudging” plans that I made before graduating from college was all taken for granted. I’m stagnant. I can’t feel the growth I wanted to achieve at least before I turn 25. And I’m 22 years old now. Time flutters so fast but I think my personal and career growth is sluggish. And now I know I have to do something about it, or else, I would have to deal with my Plan B, which is, apparently, to create another life strategy plan.

I’m conscious enough that success cannot be achieved in a snap of a finger. I am very aware that it takes time to get what we desire, especially if you’re just starting to work on it. We cannot push our luck without thinking what might be the risks involved in the circumstances. We cannot just blatantly go over on something we think is right without scrutinizing the result that may come subsequent to our act.

And oh, yes, I know all these facts and this grief might not make any sense to you, and the hell I care! What I’m just trying to say is that I need to make all my plans happen the exact way I want it to take place. I won’t care if you’ll think I’m way too ambitious and pathetic to be saying all these but really, I have to make it all real.

I’m doing my best to accomplish the things I want to achieve. In 3 years time (following my life strategy Plan A), I need to have a positive result. I need to work harder. I know I did my best, but I guess, my best really wasn’t good enough. (Hmmm, that last line sounds familiar, I wonder how.)

So now, I have to go work. Deal with the flow of my boring occupation, and find ways on how to make things happen the way they should.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Rain Obsession

"Kung bakit ba noon, noong bata pa ako, mas napapansin kong mas madalas ang pag-buhos ng ulan kumpara sa pagsikat ng araw. Marahil, noon pa man, umiibig na ako sa ulan."

Ilang oras ko ring hinintay na bumuhos ang ulan ngayong araw. Pero kahit isang patak, walang bumagsak mula sa ulap. Makulimlim ang paligid, malakas ang ihip ng hangin, malamig ang panahon ngunit hindi man lang ako nakaramdam ng pagbuhos ng ulan. Tila dinaya ako ng panahon na sa kabila ng kakapalan ng mga ulap sa himpapawid, hindi lumuha ang langit. Marahil nasanay narin ito sa malusog na pagsikat ng araw tuwing tanghali.

Paborito ko ang tag-ulan. Sa lahat ng panahon na maaaring dumating sa ating mundo, palagi kong ninanais na pumatak ang ulan lalo na kapag sumasapit ang dapit-hapon. Masaya ako kapag umuulan. Nais kong maligo at magtampisaw sa malamig nitong tubig. Nais kong kumawala sa init ng nagdaang araw, isang pagbabanlaw sa lahat ng pagod at hirap mula sa matinding sikat ng haring liwanag. Ibinabalik nito ang aking kabataang araw-araw ay nais kong balikan. Ang ulan para sa akin ay isang katuparan ng pinakaaasam na kahinahunan ng mundong aking ginagalawan. Isang paghuhugas sa mga alinlangang nadarama ko sa kabila ng kabutihang idinudulot sa akin ng buhay.

Inabot ako ng dilim sa pag-asang kahit papano ay magpaparamdam ang ulan. Tumingala ako sa langit, pinakiramdaman ng dalawa kong kamay kung may papatak na tubig mula sa itaas, ngunit sa halip, sumagi sa paningin ko ang nagliliwanag na buwan. Bilog ito. Bilog na bilog. Natatabunan ito kapagdaka ng mumunting ulap na tila nagpapapansin at nagsasabing huwag na akong umasa sa pagpatak ng ulan, sapagkat bukas ay matinding init ang mararanasan ko na naman. Napangiti ako. Napatawa. Bakit ko ba kinakausap ang ulap? Maaawa kaya ito sa akin kapag nakiusap akong sana ay umulan ngayong gabi?

Napatungo akong bigla at nagbuntong-hininga. Nagsindi ng sigarilyo. Hitit sabay buga pampatanggal ng inip na kanina pa sumusukob sa akin. Ilang sandali pa’y naubos ko na ang tangan kong pansunog-baga. Nagmasid akong muli sa tahimik na paligid. Maya-maya pa ay napaling naman ang pansin ko sa maingay na paglipad ng isang eroplano. Matayog ang lipad nito. Matayog na matayog. Isang alaala muli ng aking kabataan ang biglang nagbalik. Naalala kong noon, kapag may dumaraang eroplano sa langit, kasama ng mga kalaro ko ay sabay-sabay kaming kumakaway at nagpapaalam dito. Isang pamamaalam na taglay ang pangako na isang araw ay magbabalik ito at sa pagkakataong yaon ay isasama niya at isasakay ako.

Tuluyan na ngang nilamon ng dilim ang kanina lamang ay nagmamayabang na liwanag. Hinihintay ko paring sana kahit ambon man lang ay biyayaan ako ng langit. Nahiga akong sandali at tulad ng lagi kong ginagawa kapag nababagot, umawit ako. Isang awit ng paghihimagsik. Isang awit ng pag-asa na sana ay marinig ng ulap ang dumadagundong kong tinig upang magalit ito, marindi, at mapundi, ng sa gayon ay magbuhos ito ng luha na kanina ko pa inaasam. Ngunit walang nangyari. Walang tumugon sa awit ko kundi mga ibong maya at ingay ng mga kuliglig. Sa kabila noon, nanatili ang katahimikan ng buong paligid.

Noong bata pa ako, wala akong kalayaang magpasya na maligo sa ulan. At alam kong sa bawat pagpupumilit kong magtampisaw ay pagagalitan ako ng aking mga magulang. Kung bakit ba noon, noong bata pa ako, mas napapansin kong mas madalas ang pag-buhos ng ulan kumpara sa pagsikat ng araw. Marahil, noon pa man, umiibig na ako sa ulan. Hanggang ngayon. Hanggang ngayong malaya na akong maligo kahit anong oras na bumuhos ang ulan. Ngayong wala ng makapipigil sa aking magtampisaw sa nakabibighani nitong tubig. Ngayong hindi ko na kailangan pang uminom ng isang basong tubig kapag nangangamoy alimuom. Ngayon pang malaki na ako at marunong ng magpasya para sa sarili, ngayon pa ako pinagtataguan ng ulan.

Sa kawalan ng pag-asa, nagpasya na akong pumasok sa aking silid. Malungkot ako. Malungkot na malungkot. Pakiramdam ko’y pinagkaitan ako ng mumunti kong kahilingan. Para akong isang batang nakalimutang bigyan ng regalo sa kanyang kaarawan. Sapagkat malalim na ang gabi, hindi ko na mapigilan ang tuluyang pagsakop sa akin ng isang dalisay na antok. Bukas ay maghihintay akong muli sa pagbisita ng ulan. Sana ay hindi na niya ako biguin. Sa pagkakataong iyon, nakatulog ako ng mahimbing. Mahimbing na mahimbing. Pakiramdam ko’y kinukumutan ako ng isang mapagarugang hangin. Hanggang magising ako isang tanghaling mataas na mataas na naman ang sikat ng haring araw.

Hindi ko man lamang namalayang umulan pala buong magdamag…

Friday, June 13, 2008

Feng Shui Monologue

(...mga walang pakundangan, ginabi tuloy ako!)

Habang-daan patungong Baclaran, nausisa ko ang mga taong nakatambay at nagkukumpulan sa kanto sa daang Longos palabas ng Cavite. Sapagkat naipit na naman ako sa masikip na trapiko, nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataong mamasdan ang kanilang pinagkakaabalahan.

Hindi ko mawari kung anong ekspresyon ang namumutawi sa mga taong nakakasaksi sa mga pangyayari ngunit sa diwa ko'y mauulinig na ito ay isang pambihirang pangyayari.

Sa gitna ng maalinsangang panahon, nagsimulang umingay ang paligid at dumami ang mga nakiki-isyoso sa nagkakagulong kumpulan ng mga tambay. Naging sanhi narin ito ng lalong pagsisikip ng trapiko na mas nakapagpabagal sa oras na kanina ko pa hinahabol.

Habang ang jeep na sinasakyan ko ay tila walang kamalay-malay sa mga nangayayari at patuloy ang pagtugtog ng nakabibingi nitong musika, napansin kong ang ilan sa mga pasahero ay nagpasya nang bumaba at maglakad na lamang pauwi ng kanilang bahay. Dama ko ang bawat patak ng butil ng pawis na tumatagaktak sa aking mainit na mukha.

Nagpatuloy akong magmasid sa paligid. Ang bawat isa'y may kanya-kanyang opinyon sa kaguluhang nagaganap. Ang bawat isa ay may sariling teorya sa kung ano ang nangyayari at kung ano nga ba ang mayroon. Mas tumindi ang ingay sa paligid. Nakabibinging busina, nakabibinging usapan, nakaririnding sigawan. Pakiramdam ko'y bigla akong umusbong sa isang mundong hindi ko naman kilala.

Marahil likas na sa akin ang pagiging tsismoso kaya't hindi ko napigilang mag-usisa. Nagpasya narin akong bumaba at lumapit sa nagkukumpulang mga tambay sa kanto.

"Manong, ano pong meron? Grabe trapik! Bakit po sila nagkakagulo at nagsisigawan?" Tanong ko sa isang mamang bungal na may hawak na toothpick.

"Si Kris Aquino, nagshu-shooting!"